Poker Air

Ladies and Gentlemen, from the flight deck this is Captain Dave, and I'd like to welcome you aboard Poker Air flight 666.

The weather ahead is mostly clear, but there are some bad patches, and we'll head directly at them. Once airborne, our cruising altitude will be 30 thousand feet. Well, actually between 24 and 36 thousand feet, with changes of flight level coming abruptly and at random. OK, in all honesty, we aren't bound by 24 and 36 thousand feet, we're just going to fly where ever we damn well please.

We are nonstop today, however the final destination is a complete unknown. Even if it were, we're only about a 55% chance to actually get there.

Here at Poker Air, you comfort is our prime concern. To this end, fully 1/3 of you will be selected for wining and dining first class, with top-notch service and a gourmet meal, after which, you will be seduced by an attractive stewardess (or steward, or both, as the cases may be) and granted entry into our Mile High Club. The other 2/3's of you will be crowded like cattle into the cargo hold, which will be filled with noxious fumes and Kenny G music.

You should probably know that I am not really a pilot, nor is any member of my flight crew.

And I am drunk.

Have a pleasant flight.